April 17, 2017

Will Always Amaze Me

Today my daughter turns ten, the big 1-0. With it, comes a sense of reality of time, confusion of emotions and the perpetual worry. Growing up I never really saw myself as a mother due to some personal experiences. My goals were not family oriented, instead I buried myself in books, hid in them to escape the world. When I went to college, again burying my nose in books and rarely taking interest in men, I suddenly looked up one day and there was a man. A man who was interested in me. Over time, we fell in love and got married.

When the test revealed we would go from a family of two to three my world was filled with confusion. Would I be a good mother? Would I have it in me to be responsible for another human being and a tiny one at that? The night she was born, during the delivery, I kept saying "I can't do this." But I did. She was placed in my arms, so tiny, so precious and I became scared, anxious that this was real.

The years past as she grew and grew, amazing me at every turn. Her first word. Her first laugh. Her first boo-boo I could make better with a hug and a kiss. When she was seven, I found myself thinking again "I can't do this." as my husband left and now I was a single mother. He would be a part of her life, but not on the day-to-day. That would be on me. Could I do this?

Here we are, three years later. Her and I have shared tears, laughs and cultivated some hopefully great memories. She's ten. She's my world. A world I didn't think I could do. A world that scared me. She still reaches for my hand as I walk her to school, still snuggles up during a movie, still loves her mom's cheeseburgers and will always amaze me.

Happy Birthday Alexis!

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